What’s the best way to handle sibling fights?

Sibling conflict is actually practice for real-life conflict skills. Your role is not to be a constant referee, but a calm coach who helps them solve problems and learn to respect each other.

What to do, step by step:

1. Only step in when needed.
   
   • If it’s loud but safe, wait a moment and listen.
     
   • Step in immediately if there’s hitting, biting, or real danger.
     
2. Stay neutral—don’t pick a side right away.
   
   • Avoid: “You always start it” or “You’re the good one.”
     
   • Instead say: “I hear there’s a problem. Let’s figure it out.”
     
3. Separate if needed, but gently.
   
   • “You’re both upset. We’re going to take a short break so we can calm down.”
     
   • Put them in different areas, but not as punishment—just for cooling down.
     
4. Name the situation simply.
   
   • “You both wanted the same toy.”
     
   • “You both want to choose the TV show.”
     
5. Give each child a turn to speak.
   
   • “First, I’m going to listen to you. Then I’ll listen to your brother.”
     
   • Let them speak without interruption.
     
6. Reflect their feelings and needs.
   
   • “You felt like your drawing got ruined.”
     
   • “You felt like nobody was listening to what you wanted.”
     
7. Ask them for ideas on how to solve it.
   
   • “What do you think would be fair?”
     
   • “How can we make this work for both of you?”
     
8. Offer options if they’re stuck.
   
   • “You can take turns with a timer.”
     
   • “One chooses today, the other chooses tomorrow.”
     
9. Set a clear limit on hurtful behavior.
   
   • “I won’t let you hit or call names. You can be angry, but you must be kind.”
     
10. Praise any steps toward problem-solving.
    

• “You both listened to each other. That was very grown-up.”
  
• “You came up with a solution together. I’m proud of you.”