What do I do when my child says ‘I hate you’?

Those words can cut deep, but they usually mean, “I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know how to say it.” When you respond calmly, you teach your child that your love is stronger than their big feelings.

What to do, step by step:

1. Don’t take the words literally.
   
   • Remind yourself: “They’re expressing pain, not truth.”
     
   • This helps you stay calmer and less defensive.
     
2. Pause and breathe before responding.
   
   • Take one slow, deep breath.
     
   • Relax your jaw and shoulders on purpose.
     
3. Keep your voice steady and soft.
   
   • Avoid saying hurtful things back like, “Well, I don’t like you either.”
     
4. Name the feeling underneath the words.
   
   • “You’re really angry with me right now.”
     
   • “You didn’t like my answer, and that’s hard.”
     
5. Reassure them of your love and boundary.
   
   • “I love you even when you’re mad.”
     
   • “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to use hurtful words.”
     
6. Offer a safer way to express it.
   
   • “Instead of ‘I hate you,’ you can say, ‘I’m really mad at you.’”
     
   • Practice together: “Let’s try that now—tell me, ‘I’m really mad.’”
     
7. Hold your limit if that’s what caused the reaction.
   
   • “You’re angry I said no to more screen time. I understand. My answer is still no.”
     
   • This shows them that big feelings don’t change rules, but they are still allowed.
     
8. Reconnect later when things are calm.
   
   • Share: “When you said ‘I hate you,’ it hurt my feelings, but I know you were upset.”
     
   • Ask: “Next time you feel that mad, how could you tell me in a kinder way?”
     
9. End with connection.
   
   • Offer a hug, a story, or a kind word before bed.
   • “Nothing you say when you’re angry can make me stop loving you.”